Life changes, and we with it, so although the URL remains the same, you'll find the content very different. This is me just looking to figure stuff out. For now my journey has taken a turn, and I'm learning to like the new route. As I mark my journey I will use this space to share thoughts, ideas, insights, and probably even pain. Depending on how my day is going, the posts will vary accordingly, so, if you want to look away, I get that.

By the way, I don't mind if you share or use, but please do the right thing and credit me for any written word you take from this page.

November 19, 2014

Heartbeats and kisses

I miss the sound of your voice. I woke this morning because I was dreaming you called me. I was driving and saw you sitting there in your pickup, smiling. I answered the phone and you said "Heya sweets." It was after I was fully awake that I realized it is two months today that I drove away from you. I wish I had known it was the last time I would see you, because I would have hugged you longer and kissed you deeper.

I miss kissing you. I loved your soft lips and the way you used them on me, the way they looked when you smiled.

I miss your smile, your laughter, and the way you made me laugh so hard I would get the ugly wrinkled face and the tears would roll down my cheeks. I never had that before.

I miss the silly things and the daily things. I miss when you would come home from work and I would come out of the office and say "hey baby! You're home!!" And then we would kiss. Did I mention I miss kissing you? I miss making dinner with you, watching the news with you, going grocery shopping with you, touching you.

I miss the feel of your skin as I lay next to you, my head on your shoulder, my hand on your chest, and my leg draped over yours. I loved the way your left hand strummed my arm as if you were playing the guitar, and you didn't even realize you did it.

I miss the way you responded to me, and the way we made love like it was the most precious thing in the world tied up with a beautiful bow, unwrapped to reveal a perfectly designed custom gift made just for us.

I miss the sound of your heartbeat as I lay there, that uncertain skipping that happened. I used to count the beats to see if I could figure out a pattern to the skipping, and I secretly worried all the time that something would happen to your heart and I would lose you.

Little did I know that it would... that the physiological uncertainty in your heartbeat would manifest into reality and destroy my own, and that I would lose you..

Still, I miss you.

November 14, 2014

Safe spaces

Being one on whom the world's irony is never lost, the irony of me finding a safe healing space in the home of an old friend - who happens to have been the only other man who broke my heart - has not escaped my attention. We have many differences he and I, but there is history that some years ago turned into a reliable, steady friendship. Having been a social worker in a previous iteration of his life, he understands how to allow someone space, when to be quiet, and when to knock on the door with two glasses of Chivas Regal. For this man I will always have a soft spot, bonded friendship, and gratitude for allowing me the space to heal on my terms.

My healing transpired in this quiet room in his basement. Though they are mostly rare now, there are still days when all I want to do is lay in the white metal frame bed with the floral quilt and be alone, but over the course of these many weeks I learned to get up, do yoga, sit in the sunroom, talk to others in the house, and venture outside. When I laugh now it's more real than forced, and my excitement for life has begun to return. Important to it all is that being here without a decent phone signal has given me the opportunity to reflect in quiet and put that deep and painful sadness behind me, making room for days when I look forward to my new single life, my apartment in the city, and the work that feeds my passion and my soul.  I feel lucky and relieved for the chance to have those feelings again.

I won't lie: life continues to be altered for me. I find that I now prefer sunrises over sunsets, the wine we used to savor together has lost its nose and body, and the space next to me continues to feel heavier than it should given its emptiness. I continue to mark the passing of certain days and dread specific upcoming dates, and when I hear someone's cell phone whistle to tell them they have a message, my heartbeat picks up an extra beat or two. My patience for lies has become non-existent, and I will never ever be able to listen to Fleetwood Mac or Stevie Nicks again without a tiny bit of sadness in my heart.

But  mostly I'm okay, and that feels good.  What I find today is that I'm grateful for friendships that endure and friends who show you that safe spaces can take many forms, whether it is a simple "yes," a hug, a soft spoken word, or laughter even when you think you don't feel like laughing. Of course, knowing when to bring Chivas helps.

Thank you for enduring, and for staying here with me during the bad times, on my journey through the knothole. I hope you'll stick around for the softer, lighter times to come.

November 6, 2014

Only that moon...

“Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon….” Practical Magic, 1998